Hiccups
by Xaja Silversheen
Summary: What measures does a Padawan use to cure the hiccups?


**DISCLAIMER: I own it all!! It's mine, all mine! I even own you, the reader! Yes, precious, our lovely One Ring of Unlimited Copyright Powers is ours, all ours!!!!!!!!!! *from out of nowhere, Lucas's hand swats me upside the head and takes the Ring* Ack!! What does Lucas thinks he is doing, precious? Owns it now, he doessssss!!!!**

**All right, he (Lucas) owned it to start with. I didn't. And still don't. Sigh.**

**This is the result of reading too many Calvin and Hobbes comics while on a Star Wars craze. LOL. Calvin is my inspiration for this! (I don't own C&H either, I'm just borrowing them without permission. Same with the "Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" theme song.)**

**Enjoy! Hope you get a good chuckle out of this!**

****************

"Hic!"

Jedi Padawan Garen Muln glanced up from where he was meditating (or pretending to) in the Temple's fountain garden, to see his best friend Obi-Wan Kenobi walking to him. "Did you say something, Obi?"

Obi-Wan shook his head and opened his mouth, to reply with a very loud "Hic!"

Garen smirked. "What kind of an answer was that?"

Obi-Wan scowled. "Sorry, Garen, but I have the *hic!*"

A highly amused Garen leaned forward, knowing full well what his friend's problem was. "Have the what, Obi?"

Obi-Wan tried to answer again. "The *hic!*"

"The what? C'mon, say it!"

"The *hic!* hic- *hic!*"

"What, Obi-Wan? C'mon, you can tell me!"

"The *hic!* The *hic!*"

************

_-15 minutes later-_

"All right," Garen mused, "we need to find some way to get rid of your hiccups."

"Agreed," grumbled Obi-Wan, "before I *hic!* hiccup myself to *hic!* death!"

The two boys plopped themselves on the grass and tried to meditate on a solution, but their concentration was shattered by Obi-Wan's frequent "hic!"s. Eventually, due to their lack of success in meditation, and also from the warning glares of Masters and Knights annoyed by the distraction, they left the garden in search of a readily available cure.

"Well," said Garen, "I've heard holding one's breath helps."

"I'll try it," agreed Obi-Wan. He took as large a gulp of air as he could, then shut his mouth and waited, trying to ignore the hiccups that frequently jerked his shoulders. Garen stood by, wondering if the cure would work.

Obi-Wan held the oxygen in for almost a minute. His face, pale to start with, began to turn blue, then purple. Alarmed, Garen yelped "Obi-Wan! Breathe!"

With a loud gasp, sounding like a fish out of water, Obi-Wan released the spent air, filling his lungs with new oxygen. A loud "Hic!" sounded in the hallway the boys stood in, followed by a grouchy sounding "Well, that didn't work" from the patient.

Garen frowned. "Hmm. Maybe you should get a drink of water. That might help to."

Obi-Wan nodded, not daring to open his mouth and release another hiccup. Unfortunatley, another noise soon escaped the closed lips. "Hic!"

The teens glanced sheepishly at the startled Jedi near them before taking off to find some water.

************

_-5 minutes later, in the Rhara/Muln apartment-_

"Hope this *hic!* helps!"

"It should. I've heard that drinking water really makes them go away."

"Water makes what go away?" Jedi Master Clee Rhara walked into the kitchenette, smiling as she saw Obi-Wan. "Hello, Padawan Kenobi." Then she turned back to Garen. "What are you two discussing?"

A loud "Hic!" sounded before Garen could speak. The darker haired boy merely pointed to Obi-Wan as the latter blushed, wiping the spilt water off of his tunic.

"Oh dear, Obi-Wan, those sound bad. Water should help though." Clee leant back against the counter, watching, a sympathetic smile on her face.

"Thank you, *hic!* Master Rhara." Obi-Wan decided to drink the water before he made any more of a fool of himself. He raised the cup to his lips...

"Wait! That won't work!"

Garen turned to his Master, confused. "What do you mean, Master? I thought you said water would help."

"It helps best when drunk upside down! Honestly, Garen, I thought everyone knew that! What do you Padawans learn nowadays?"

"Upside *hic!* down, Master? How do I *hic!* do that?" Obi-Wan tried drinking from the opposite rim of the glass, only to have water spill down his tunic again.

Clee sighed. "Bend over so your head is upside down, then drink the water!"

"Oh." Obi-Wan bent down, attempting to drink the water again. He managed to get some down his throat, although the rest ended up on his face and tunic. Rising, he grumbled "I think most *hic!* cures were invented for the ent-*hic!* entertainment of one's *hic!* friends."

"Hmm." Master Rhara frowned. "That usually works. Maybe we should ask someone else. Master Jinn or Master Windu might know of a good cure."

"Thank you, Master!" Garen grinned. "C'mon Obi, let's go ask!"

"All right, but when I *hic!* look like this?"

"Oh, it's just water, it'll dry! Let's go!"

"'Kay." The boys tore off, leaving Master Rhara shaking her head.

***********

_-8 minutes later, in the Jinn/Kenobi quarters-_

"Hiccup cures?"

"Yes, Master, my *hic!* hiccups won't go *hic!* away."

"Hmm." Master Qui-Gon Jinn paced the living room, watched anxiously by the teen boys standing by the door. "Have you tried holding your breath?"

"Yes."

"Drinking water?"

"Yes."

"Upside down?"

"Hic!"

"Drinking water upside down while holding your breath?"

"What?"

"Beg your pardon, Master Jinn?"

"I'm serious! Master Dooku swore by that method! He said it always worked! Do they teach you Padawans nothing?"

"Well," Obi-Wan looked at Garen. Both boys shrugged. "All right, *hic!* Master."

Within a minute, Obi-Wan was standing in the middle of the kitchen, bent double, holding a glass of water in his hand and breathing deeply. "Are you sure this will *hic!* work, Master?"

"It should, unless Master Dooku merely wanted to see if I would try it."

Garen looked up. "Did you?"

"No, I am happy to say I never had to do that. I usually got the hiccups scared out of me before I had to do that."

"Scaring..." mused Garen. "Obi, we might have to do that if this cure doesn't work."

"Hic! Garen, I'm already scared of *hic!* hiccuping to *hic* death!"

"Ha, funny. All right, let's do this."

Obi-Wan groaned as he readied himself. "Well, at this *hic!* rate, I won't have to shower *hic!* tonight." With those cheerful words, he took a deep breath, bent as far over as he could and started chugging water.

"See?" Qui-Gon sat back, looking rather pleased with himself. "It's working fine, eh Obi-Wan?"

This cure might have worked like Master Dooku claimed, but an untimely hiccup jerked Obi-Wan's body, sending water flying up his nose and down his tunic. Coughing, the teen stood back up, aided by his Master and friend. "Master? No offense, but *hic!* I think Master Dooku was on some form of spice when *hic!* he told you that cure."

"That's not the correct way to speak of your elders, Padawan. Even though I'm starting to agree with you." Qui-Gon grabbed a towel and started mopping up the water staining Obi-Wan's front. "Maybe some lightsabre drills will help."

"Great idea!" Garen was already moving to the door. "C'mon, Obi!"

"Let me *hic* change my tunic first! I'm not going *hic!* around the Temple like this!"

************

_-15 minutes later, in the hallway to the training salles-_

"Hic!"

"Force, Obi, you must have the worst case of hiccups ever!"

"Tell me *hic!* something I don't already *hic!* know!"

"Someone around here must have a cure for this!"

"A cure for what?" Master Cin Drallig and his Padawan Zara Taerich came around the corner from the salles.

Garen started to say, "The hi-" but was interrupted by a loud "HIC!" from Obi-Wan. The second boy blushed crimson as Zara burst out giggling. Master Cin would have rebuked her, but he was struggling enough to keep the grin off of his own face.

"The hiccups, hmm? They sound awful." The tall Master looked down at the two boys in front of him. "What have you tried so far to cure them?"

"Holding his breath," started Garen.

"Drinking *hic!* water upside down," added Obi-Wan.

"Drinking water upside down while holding his breath," concluded Garen with a sigh. "None of them are working."

"Well, of course they wouldn't! The best cure for hiccups is sugar!" Master Cin shook his head. "What do they teach Padawans these days?"

"Sugar?"

"Hic?"

"Yeah," piped up Zara, "eating a spoonful of sugar gets rid of the hiccups! It always works for me!"

"Sugar." Obi-Wan looked at Garen, thoughtfully. "Maybe it'll work..."

"I don't know, Obi. Your Master heard from his Master that drinking water upside down while holding your breath works, and you nearly drowned!"

Master Cin sighed. "Master Dooku was just pulling one on Master Jinn. Master Yoda, on the other hand, told me this one himself. Trust me, it'll work!"

"Okay, if Master *hic!* Yoda said it, then it must work."

"Well, if you think so, Obi-Wan..."

Cin and Zara looked at each other before Zara said, "C'mon, trust us! We even have sugar in our apartment for just such an emergency."

************

_-3 minutes later, in the Drallig/Taerich apartment-_

Obi-Wan held a spoonful of brown sugar in his hand, gazing at it cautiously. "Are you sure this will *hic!* work?"

For the umpteenth time, Cin sighed and shook his head. "Yes, Kenobi, it will work fine! Just do it!"

"All *hic!* right..." Obi-Wan swiftly put the spoon in his mouth, munching on the sweet powder. Everyone else waited with baited breath, wondering if Master Yoda's cure worked. Had the sugar finally gotten rid of the hiccups?

Swallowing the sugar, Obi-Wan waited a moment, opened his mouth, and...

"HIC!"

"Darn it!" cried Garen. "We were so close!"

Master Cin looked confused. "But it _always_ worked for me..."

Zara thought for a moment. "Maybe he needs to eat more sugar, Master."

***********

_-20 minutes later-_

Master Cin quickly shut his front door against the three hyperactive Padawans he had just thrown into the hallway. Unperturbed, the trio bounced off, one hiccuping the entire way.

Surveying the sticky disaster his kitchen had become, the venerable Master groaned. "Qui-Gon and Clee are going to _kill_ me for getting their Padawans this hyper!"

************

_-15 minutes later-_

"We are the Pirates who Don't Do Anything..."

"Hic!"

"We just stay home and-"

"_What_ are you three doing?!" Councilmember Mace Windu strode down the hallway, thunder in his footsteps. Around him, Padawans and Knights unfortunate enough to be caught in the wake of his wrath scurried for shelter, peeping out from behind columns in the hall. The three targeted Padawans, however, were too high on sugar to be fully aware of the looming danger they were caught in.

"Hi, Master Windu!" Garen cheerfully spoke up. "We're trying to cure Obi-Wan's hiccups!" As if on cue, another loud "HIC!" punctuated Garen's explanation.

Master Windu scowled, crossing his arms over his chest and tapping his foot. "By yelling at the top of your respective lungs where other Jedi are attempting to rest or meditate?"

"No," explained Garen. "See, Obi here first tried holding his breath, but that didn't work, so we went to my Master who said he had to drink water upside down, but that didn't work either, so Master Jinn said he had to hold his breath and drink water upside down at the same time, but that didn't work either, so Master Drallig said he had to eat sugar, but that didn't help, so now we're trying to find another cure!"

The thundercloud of wrath seemed to dissipate slightly, followed by an amused smirk across Master Windu's face. The Jedi who had been in hiding cautiously emerged from their hiding places while the Councillor was otherwise occupied.

"Hiccup cures, hmm?"

"Yes, Master Windu. Poor Obi's had them all day! I think we're looking for someone to scare him."

"Well," Master Windu thought for a moment, "pollution in the galaxy is increasing, the Senate is increasing taxes on everything, more of our missions are becoming violent, we're facing a shortage of lightsabre crystals, there's rumours of a red-and-black Sith touring Tatooine..."

"No, Master! We meant startle him!"

"What, that doesn't?" Master Windu scowled at the teens. "Do you Padawans not keep up on current events at all?"

Garen looked at Obi-Wan. "This is the fourth time a Master has asked us if Padawans learn nothing nowadays! I don't know about you, but I am highly insulted!"

"Agreed! *hic!* We learn lots of useful things, like *hic!* how to instant message each other's *hic!* data pads wit-*hic!*-without getting caught!"

Master Windu sighed and shook his head. "Maybe you should ask a different Master. If I think of a better cure, I'll let you know."

"Thank you, Ma-*hic!*-Master Windu!" The teens walked away to find a new source of cures.

"Wait a moment!"

The three turned back, almost alarmed by the Councillor's tone of voice. Only almost, though. "Yes, Master?" asked Zara.

"Master Drallig was the one who fed you sugar?"

"Yes, Master. He said Master Yoda said it worked all the time."

"Hmm." Mace waved a hand at the trio. "Carry on." He pulled out his com link as soon as the three had disappeared and dialed a code.

A voice soon answered. "Drallig."

"_CIN!!!_" Mace's voice rose in a roar that sent all the Jedi in that wing of the Temple running for cover. "You fed the Kenobi and Muln kids _sugar?!_"

All that could be heard over the com link was a groan.

***********

_-15 minutes later- _

"So, how angry do you think Master Windu is with your Master, Zara?"

"Oh, I don't know. He once said Mace yelled loud enough to be heard in the Senate building when my Master and Master Jinn dyed his lightsabre purple."

"Well, from the scolding *hic!* your Master gave you over the com, Za, I think *hic!* he's pretty upset with us. Can't imagine why, though."

"Me neither. All I know is that I want more sugar! My buzz has worn off."

"Me too, Garen. I don't think we should ask my Master for any more, though."

The three were walking around the lower levels of the Temple, near the Archives. Most Masters questioned had only offered cures already attempted by Obi-Wan, with no success. Even the Archives had failed to turn up any new sources of hiccup cures. Obi-Wan was rapidly becoming desperate.

"There's just gotta be a cure somewhere! There has to be!"

Garen made a face. "I once read a story about a person on Alderaan who had the hiccups for over a year before he got them to go away."

"A year?" Obi-Wan turned, shock written on his face. "A _year?!_ Garen, I'm not gonna last that long! I'll go mad first!"

"Not possible, you already are" retorted Zara cheekily.

"What was that?" Obi-Wan glared.

A quick "Nothing!", followed by the largest pair of puppy eyes Zara could muster, were his only response to that query.

"Anyway, someone around here must have a cure for hiccups that we haven't tried yet! C'mon, let's go ask someone else. There's Master Tahl, maybe she knows of one." Obi-Wan and Garen started walking towards the afore-mentioned Master.

"Wait!" Zara's cry brought them to a pause.

"What?" Garen sounded confused.

"Listen!" Zara remained motionless, listening intently. The boys listened as well, focusing.

A minute passed in silence. Zara grinned triumphantly. "Ha!"

"What?" Garen was still perplexed.

Comprehension dawned on Obi-Wan. With a delighted crow, he jumped in the air. "Yes! My hiccups are gone! They went away on their own!"

"Awesome!" yelled Garen.

"About time!" added Zara.

The three would have continued their victory celebration, but for the thunderous approaching footsteps of Master Windu, accompanied by the warning yells threatening grim things to come if they had not shut up by the time he found them. Luckily for the teens, they had fled to the safety of the gardens by the time Master Windu arrived at the spot where they had been standing a moment ago.

***********

_-10 minutes later-_

"So, d'ya think it was the shock of hearing that you might have them for a year that scared them off?"

"I don't know, I'm just glad they're gone!"

"So are we! Just don't ask me to help you next time you get them!"

"Blast that, I hope I never get 'em again!

"Agreed!"

The three were walking (somewhat quietly) down a garden path, relishing their accomplishment in ridding Obi-Wan of his hiccups. Little did they know of an approaching presence behind them...

"BOO!"

Three teenaged shrieks resonated throughout the garden, earning their producers murderous glares from other Jedi. However, there was one Jedi Master rolling on the ground, laughing his pointy ears off.

"Oh, priceless that was! Heard from Master Windu, I did, that the hiccups Obi-Wan has. Thought to cure them, I did! Work, did it?"

"Hic!"

"Hic!"

"Hic!"

The teenagers stared at each other, all three now cursed with... hiccups!

"Oh. A pity, that is. Oh well. Hilarious, that still was!" Master Yoda finally righted himself on the path, heedless of the malevolent glares of the hiccuping Padawans above him. He paused, studying the teens. "Hmm. Contagious, they must be. Scare you again, I think I should... Eep!"

Anyone in the Temple hallways for the next two hours would have been startled, alarmed, and mentally traumatized for life if they had been unfortunate enough to catch sight of Grand Master Yoda running for his life from three murderous, hiccuping Padawans, despite his yelled protests that "... trying to help, I was! Know I did not, that cured you were!"

**The End.**

**************

**Thanks to Calvin and Hobbes for giving me the plot bunny to do this!**

**If I get enough ideas for wacky cures for hiccups after posting this, I may do a sequel starring Obi-Wan and Anakin... or maybe Qui-Gon and Dooku... *evil laugh* Mwahahaha!**

**Please review! Thanks, guys!**

**Xaja**


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